Okay, God, I'm Listening ...

I've been working really hard on being obedient to God as of late. Sometimes when I'm praying, I hear the small, quiet whisper that could really only belong to the Lord, and two things happen:

1. I don't want to do it. Whether it be from pride, or convenience, or whatever ... I don't want to do it. Even if it's the simplest thing ever.

2. I find a way to convince myself it's not God's voice.

I'm a pretty rebellious person, quite frankly. Just ask my parents and my husband. But I want to be obedient to God, and I've been working on really listening and really obeying. Last week, I thought I heard God telling me to do something, and per usual I hesitated. It was small and seemingly insignificant, and truthfully it was to my benefit, but I still didn't want to do it. It just seemed weird. But after some back and forth waffling, I finally said, "Okay, God, if you say so," and I did it. Nothing profound happened with the action itself. I wasn't rewarded -- I didn't win the lottery or run into a friend I hadn't seen in years or anything else like that. Being obedient didn't change anything visible in my life. But my relationship with God ... that's a different story. You see, that one small bit of obedience opened a path between me and God that hadn't been there for a long time, and my prayer time that day reflected that. I could feel God with me in a very profound way, simply because I chose to trust and obey.

Now, what happened yesterday unfolded in a very different way. I was praying when I had a strong sense from God that I was supposed to go to Labor and Delivery triage. So I quietly said, "Yes, Lord, I've learned my lesson, and I know to obey you no matter what," right? Nope. I was back to square one apparently, because what I said was, "What!?! I feel fine, and you want me to tell Scott he has to stop what he's doing to take me to the hospital? Plus I have work to do! What would I tell my doctor? What would I tell the triage nurse? This is not you, God. This is just my paranoid inner voice. If you want me to go to the hospital, you need to give me a pretty definitive sign, okay?"

How's that for obedient?

But throughout the day I began to have frequent -- albeit painless -- contractions. I was following my doctor's instructions for my modified bedrest and sitting down most of the day, but I still couldn't get my body to settle down, and some of the contractions were so intense they were making me feel breathless. Eventually Scott encouraged me to time a few of them, and when we discovered that I was having up to six contractions an hour, I called my doctor, and sure enough, she sent me to triage.

In Labor and Delivery, they hooked me up to a monitor, and we quickly discovered I was having regular contractions. Fortunately, these contractions had not caused me to dilate, so they could still safely stop them. After four hours in the hospital, two shots of terbutaline, one dose of procardia, and an IV of fluids, everything settled down. I was sent home with instructions to take it easy and come back if anything seemed wrong.

Now, I might have gone in to triage even if I hadn't heard God speak, but I doubt it. I wasn't in any pain and am no stranger to painless contractions. I know that they affect my body in ways I can't afford right now, but I think I might have still brushed them off as nothing. What's worse, I was willing to brush off God when He told me there was something going on that might threaten my baby. And I listened to the doctor before I listened to Him. Holy cow!

There's a lot of good news in this story: My regular contractions were stopped, and I've only had two since I got home. I did not need to be hospitalized. My cervix wasn't affected by this contracting. We got to hear the baby on the monitor and learned that he/she is very healthy. But most importantly, God didn't abandon me because of my hard-headedness. He reached out to me and gently said, "Go." I am so thankful for this. I'm glad to know that no matter how many times I mess up, He will take me back.

I will never be the completely obedient daughter God desires for me to be -- I'm too self-centered and stubborn, and I'll never quite get it right. I know this. But I am going to do my darndest to listen to that still, small voice of God and to put aside my own nonsense and obey.