Nothing

I've been thinking for a while about how to write this post, and you'll all agree--I've had a lot of time for thinking lately. I've been on complete bedrest for four weeks now, and I have to confess, It's not my favorite thing.

As most of you know, I was on partial bedrest with Caden, which was difficult, but not tortuous. I could still make myself lunch, I could still leave the house on occasion to go see a movie or go to a friend's house, and most importantly I didn't have a little boy right on the verge of turning two to parent from the confines of my couch. This complete bedrest thing has been a huge challenge for me.

Sure, on the surface it sounds great: watch movies, read books, learn to knit socks, have someone there to meet your every need. Until you start to think about the reality of it. I have to ask someone every time I need something. Every time. If I'm hungry and want a sandwich, I have to ask. If I want ice cubes in my water, I have to ask. If I can't reach the remote control, I have to ask. If it's not on the way to the bathroom, I need to ask for someone else to get it for me. This is a very humbling place to be--stripped of the freedom to simply meet my own needs.

And what about the complete powerlessness? Caden figured out very early on that I was no longer able to discipline him, and now he pushes those boundaries every opportunity he gets. His new favorite taunt is to climb on my bookshelf, just out of my reach, and grin at me while I tell him to get down. He has been throwing temper tantrums with frustrating frequency and alarming force. This is new to us. In the past his temper tantrums were short-lived and easily diffused. Not so now. This all began when I was hospitalized. But how much of it is due to the current circumstances in our home, and how much is due to the fact he's 21 months old? We just don't know. But it is hard to sit and watch and be unable to get out of my chair to dish out a time-out, pull him off of the table, or even place a soothing hand on his back when he's beside himself.

I will do it, of course. I will sit and be good and wait for this baby to be born. He or she is absolutely worth it. But it's hard. If you give me tasks, objectives, steps to check off a list that will eventually lead to an ultimate goal, I'm your girl. I mean, I trained for a triathlon last year when I was probably in the worst shape of my life, and I was able to meet that goal and have a fantastic time during the race. I had a plan, things to do that I could see bringing me closer to my goal. But here my job is to wait.  Wait to see what God has in store for us. Wait to see if my body cooperates. Wait to see what the future will bring. There is nothing to do but sit and wait, and that is both hard and humbling.

I am so thankful for those of you who are taking the steps I can't, checking the things off the list I am unable to do: caring for Caden, providing meals, shopping for groceries, cleaning my fish tank, entertaining my crazy dogs. And I am thankful for those of you who are waiting with me--in prayer, in thoughts, in cards, in kind words. Without all of you I would not be able to do what I am supposed to be doing for this baby, and what I'm supposed to be doing is nothing. Thank you for making that nothing possible.